Alternates of a single shade

The existential plane where we roam around like dots without bumping into each other, we seek to find .... we seek to find..... we seek to find. .. what? If I knew this I would have solved the ultimate riddle. I seek and I seek to open myself up. I seek to hold myself together by disintegrating myself in front of a single mortal being, To the kind of people that belong in the world that is gray, finding that one single mortal is most difficult...then judging if that mortal is right is beyond difficult... and even if we pass beyond that, opening ourself with out weaknesses is next to impossible. The paradox is that we exist to find that single mortal in front of which we disintegrate ourself i-e open ourself with our weaknesses, so that one single mortal rebuilds us. But for the gray opening up becomes impossible and the paradox lingers on... till the time when our own weakness becomes so harsh that we are forced to break this paradox and just disintegrate ourself .. and we go ahead and trust our instincts that we have found the right person.... which of course is anti-truth...

Imagine passing through the most difficult time in yourlife, something like tearing every atom of your body with your own hands, or imagine cutting your own flesh with the a blunt knife... how much of will power is required there.. imagine that amount of will power and multiply it with the mass of the sun. . .that is the amount of will power required to lay yourself bare open, to disintegrate yourself in front of someone... for a person who is gray

Problem is that there is no alternate to people of gray... and this is the alternate that they seek... the alternate that I seek in a place where there is just one shade and that is gray. one way to look at things and that is gray.... so how can I expect .. or even wish or dream or think that I will find that one person to disintegrate myself infront of. .. and me being a fool, i still believed that I had found my blue.. and now with all my will power spent I am closing myself back into my world of gray.. the barriers becoming stone again... the covers becoming steel.

In the end there is no alternate to gray it is just a single shade ......

Gray is just Grey ... it is just not a colour.. it is a state of mind which is the most beloved of mine....While the life turns the pages, i turn back to stone.. Gray will be gray and blue doesnt matter anymore!

The Universe for a soul

The soul that was one broken and mended by my own hands was torn and thrown to the dogs... Whose soul... mine of course... the most beautiful thing that I had,,,, I broke you my soul.... lost you to the mists... then I made the sun rise and there was sunshine and rainbows.. the flowers and the universe that I created was perfect. and I found you again my soul for this universe was where I wished we were together

I was a fool not to realize that it was temporary.. I became bound.. helpless.... but I survived  and so I made my soul survive too in a mended state. .. Everything was happy... calm with a universe which belonged personally to me.....and was home to my soul.....

Experience comes with the passage of the ole devil .. the time... and once again i realized that by binding my own soul with myself .. I was doing injustice... The soul did not deserve this loneliness.. this separate universe created for it only.. no the soul deserved better. The soul deserved this world .. the real world... which I realized was much much better than the universe that I had created... the rainbows and the sunshines that I could give were leeching the essence of my soul..

So i let it go.. .let my soul free... be it, that my soul doesnt know what is best but I know so....

I wished for my soul to be with me but what is better for my soul is that I render it from myself and let it be!! let it be with someone ...otherwise there will always be a darkness .. for you ...  darkness for, you my soul... and I rather be away from you then see you surrounded by darkness.... and of course the darkness is me too.

so here I sit tonight after a long passage of time -- repainting my universe, my rainbow and my sun.... Gray!!

Faults

My blue butterfly. Its my fault. Everything that happened. The memories. The truth that were lies.... I was the one who got up and walked away and when you settled on the Rose my blue butterfly there was no nectar left in it. The rose was just gray..... That is my mistake too... you want to hold on and now i want to leave again... that is my fault too.... Faults and everything is mine !! now you are asking me to become a lilly for you but i dont think that i am that strong. I try to be .. I dont want to be but i have to be.... I am not strong enough to become a lilly for you.... Let me be just a gray rose ... and i dont have the strength that is my fault to... i accept!

What was i thinking.... I should be normal but i am not .... i should have just withered away but i didnt... y is there this fight in me... i dont want to.... and it my fault that i made u feel this way

There are roses out there.... a fresh one for you... go live your life! and know that i have my faults... I am just  a man !!!

Its hard to become a lilly my blue butterfly but i will try... i will try anything for you coz  you are me and nothing else matters. Be Free!

the only way?!?

With chainz of time and thorns glore, in the ways of the world; the only way to make someone happy, is to break their heart....... break their heart and let someone else unbreak it for them

With all the "grouchy" adjectives associated with time, the best balm for the wounds, physical or emotional, is time itself...... at least for most it is....... so the rules of grayness state that the best way to unbreak someone's heart is to break it !!?

Things were always constant in the world, if there is rain there are vapors rising from the sea, it there is food being grown, the essential elements are being sucked from soil.... if there is lesser pain somewhere, there is increase of pain somewhere else.... if there is happiness all around... there is sure to be a blackhole out there too.....

Self control takes you to the top of the pyramid of humanity and then it consumes you... so that you are left a shell of a person that you were..... imagine how that would feel but for that to happen twice..... woooohaaa...

Let everyone say that you are the best person in the world. Let others cite you as a role model.... let others say that you are a beacon of light..... but know in your heart that you are nothing but a blackhole ....

I wish everyone gets to understand what I babble about and then again I hope they donot.... because wishing is the blackhole and hope is self control.......that is why we become gray.... with hope and wish we are painted gray..

Weird Things

Weird things that happen to me are usually the ones that touch my heart. Negative or Positive .. I dont know. You know people tend to change ... change is imminent ... for the romantics out there love changes ..... for the practical out there.... everything changes :)

Its all but natural to become attracted. It is also natural to be attracted even after getting attracted ... DUH.... When we pass through the test of time do we realize what the ultimate attraction is. Unfortunately, time plays a big role in this again. I mean usually the time sync is totally bad and the attraction becomes injurious ......... Soul burns, heart burns, everything burns and the irony is that the fire starter is the one who has to ultimately smoother the flames as well......... otherwise he will be consumed. Some make it .........most dont

Nothing makes sense. Just know that with time, you will realize what I said but then again the syncing will be out and we the residents of the mortal world will just laugh to kill time!

time and dessert

If time was on our side. We would have crafted a perfect world just for ourselves. We could one by one overcome all obstacles. We could have outgrown everything. If time was just on our side. The two of us only.... we could have reached the stars and then start something new..... We would have been beautiful.... The prefect ones.... the examplary ones........ but time is not on our side .. so we make the best of what we have and ........ it may not be perfect .... it is still about us... the best we could achieve with the chains of time ............. the best!!! and one day when the chainz are gone and one day when time doesnt fly anymore... I will seek you out and I will create, based on the blueprints which are our dreams....I will create and I will call it heaven!

Usually I do not copy something else but here is a translation of a Poem in Pashto language which I just had to jot down here.... the translation that is:

"In a desert.. once on the hunt did I find...
a flower so fair... with a radiant smile....
Sadly, I approached and Sighed....
"Ah! Of my kind, are you too,
a hapless flower from a beloved's hair"
"Frail fingers would'nt take you to a soft face so close,
Nor will you be kissed by lips so delicate like a rose."
With a silent smile the flower replied:
"Don't loose Heart."
"This desert I wouldnt give up for the gardens of Iran,
A solitary I am here while legions like me are there,
Amidst this cursed soil I stand apart.
In this gray desert, I 'm a flame of divine light,
I 'm beauty's silent song, a miracle from the sky."
"In your garden, there are thousands of flowers....just like me...."
"A nameless droplet in a nameless sea!"
"Don't feel lonely in your desert,
To behold you at last shall come a sore hero (ghani khan)"

These words were written in Pashto by Ghani Khan (1914 -1996)

So what is the relation between these words and the words above ..... They both promise something... promise that there will be a rainbow one day...... I just wish the rainbow is gray !

life of the heart

There are people out there who love someone so much that they can do anything that they can to make the loved ones happy. They can tear their hearts out and create a beautiful world for the loved ones to live in but to live in with someone else... That someone else which can keep the loved ones happy for life..... there are people out there who can set up things for their loved ones so that their loved ones can forget about them and be happy... just be happy!
so what about these people .... these are great people ..... and heartless too because remember they tore their own hearts out to create a universe for their loved ones.....
so how diffiiclut is all this? All of us say that we can do this ..... but... (oh i just told someone very close to my heart that there will be no more buts so lets ignore this but). Let me rephrase. All of us say that we can do this ..... sheesh i cant think of another word except "but" :(
Lets just say it is as difficult as physically ripping your heart out....... If I find God then I will ask him.... why? why this love and then the ripping ... the taking of soul.....
Now these people understand after all this happens after their loved ones become happy after their loved ones are settled and they forget about the ones who loved them truly ... these people actually loose their soul... because these people can only love "their" souls so much ... so they loose their soul .... and trust me this is what is beind dead is all about.......
I will be remembered ... will always be remembered..... and then their is no one for the heart.
All the happines to you.... I pray you get all the happiness.... All the happiness that I planend for you and made sure you got .............

IDIOT... THAT IS WHAT I AM... AFTERALL I LOST IT "ALL" WHEN "ALL" WAS IN MY HAND